I wanted to write this a little later, but decided I should just do it. I had a tough year. The recent months were especially tough. This is for whoever might need it.
We’ve all been there, I know. People say “You’re not alone” when they’re trying to console you. And that’s true. You truly are not alone. But that doesn’t stop us from feeling the weight of solitude in the worst times.
2020 was a turbulent year for me as it was for everyone else. My dad lost his job, and we went without money for seven months. During which, my mom had to borrow money from other people to sustain us. My brother and I knew the situation, but no matter how bad it got, she never let us be without food to eat. I don’t know how she managed that. I also had health issues that stemmed from me being overweight and they took quite a toll on me before I learned to managed them somewhat. In the money my mom borrowed, she had to buy me medicines too. It never failed to amaze me just how tough she was (still is). But during this time, I had gone through other stuff too—Depression, anxiety, sleepless nights. Occasional suicidal thoughts and breakdowns. It was bad.
Once my dad did get a new job, finally, he got one with lesser salary than he did before. We had to manage rent, bills, and other stuff in that limited money. To top it all, my mom had to pay off the loans she borrowed which was a lot. My brother and I tried to search for jobs but we failed. Nobody ever gave us a chance. We didn’t have proper clothes to wear at home either. We adjusted with the little clothing we have—shirts and pajamas—all of which had holes in them. Things didn’t seem to be looking up for my family until 2021 started. We had huge problems, legal issues we needed to solve. We wanted to move to our hometown in India, but we can’t do that until we solve the issues that had piled up over the course of 2020.
Life’s been a living hell. Even before 2020, we faced financial issues often. It only got a lot worse after the pandemic. Like rubbing salt on our wounds. We are trying to hold on until we move places and get a fresh start. And in this process, I can see what my mom is going through mentally and emotionally, even though she won’t show it. I know because I’d been there too.
Last week, something was stolen from me, something important. For personal reasons, I can’t reveal what it was exactly, but it was precious to me. It was my whole life and something that was tied to my dreams. It was snatched from me without rhyme or reason. It felt like my whole world fell apart. It led to me have a breakdown. In that brief but horrible moment, I threw a glass on the floor. My mom came running and stopped me from picking up one of the glass shards and using it on myself. It was crazy.
This incident, still fresh, affected me in ways I couldn’t imagine. Once it passed, I didn’t even know what to feel. I felt alone. I didn’t know who to talk to. Eventually, the thing that was stolen from me was returned, but not completely. Like… a part of it was returned. And I held onto that part because it’s all I have. I sometimes have this nagging anxiety that I might lose it again.
A lot of people left me, didn’t want to deal with me. They wouldn’t tell why. Even if they did, they would provide some sort of justification so that I was wrong and they were right. This has happened way too many times to me, enough for me to doubt myself. Then again, I too have made many mistakes. Regret is a burden I’ve carried my whole life so far.
But I’m here.
I’m still here. Still fighting.
That’s the whole point.
Maybe you’re going through another problem. It could be anything—finance, relationships, family or any personal issue. Perhaps a health issue. Maybe it’s something daunting, or unbearable. Maybe you’re grieving. Maybe you’re regretting something. Guilt is a slow poison. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming you feel it would consume you. I know how difficult it is to wake up in the mornings when you feel hopeless and you don’t want to go on. You may in a place where you feel alone. You’re fighting your own battle and it feels the walls are closing in on you. You don’t have anyone to talk to. Perhaps you even feel like nobody understands your pain.
I do.
Trust me, I do. Which is why, I’m asking you not to give up. If I can fight, then you can too. We all have an innate ability to survive. It’s human nature. It’s hardwired into our brain, to get into survival mode when we’re in danger. Believe me when I say this, you’re a lot tougher than you think. You’re brave and beautiful in ways nobody can comprehend. You’re the moon in the sky that people look up to and admire. You’re the sun that lights up the world. So when you feel worthless or alone or hurt or anything, just know that you are worth it. You are enough and you deserve so much better.
Forgive yourself. Give yourself a chance. There are so many good things that are waiting for you on the other side of your problems, but you have to be alive to see them. When things get too overwhelming, sometimes the strongest thing you can do is wake up another day. Wake up, brush your teeth, have a healthy breakfast. Wear comfortable clothes. Talk to friends or whoever will listen to you, if you need to. Watch a movie or go out for a walk. Have some comfort food if you like (Not too much! Your health is important too). Do anything that helps you get through the day because the bad days will pass. They always do.
It will get better, I promise you. There’ll be a day when you’ll feel the kind of happiness that warms your heart, makes you feel lighter. And all your desires and dreams will come true. When that time comes, you’ll realize that the hell you went through, the battles you fought, were all damn well worth it.
I’m not sure who needs this, but to whoever does, I believe in you. I hope this gives you some kind of solace.
I strongly believe you can get there. Until then…
Wake up another day.
Paperback Writer 